One more...You Just Don't Get Me

“You just don’t get me.”   These are the words spoken to me by my twelve year old son last weekend.  The words were said in the middle of one of our endless verbal battles of why he should do something I have asked versus whatever it is he wants to do at that moment.  He is right.  I don’t get him.  In fact, I haven’t really got him since he was about two.

My son’s natural temperament is choleric.  A theory dating from BC meaning he likes to be in charge of everything,  is moody, and highly disorganized.  Add the official tags of ADHD and Asperger’s; he is too busy and doesn’t care what the rest of the family or world thinks either.  I don’t get him.

I want so very much to parent him and have him reciprocate a tenth of our family’s naturally good humor, kindness, and patience.  However, those moments are very few and very far between.  We do celebrate the small steps he is finally able to take with the aid of medications and therapies.  He asked my husband how his day was last week.  We were beyond thrilled for days.

I don’t get why his brain doesn’t seem to enable him to learn from mistakes,

 I think if I can get him more, I could perhaps get more of him, increase his rare smiles and maybe even get the ever elusive hug.

consequences, and solid parenting.  I don’t get why he is embarrassed by my actions; yet his disrespectful behavior is not at all embarrassing to him.  Countless parenting books, doctors, and interventions leave me stymied.

How do I get him more?  Friends offer advice like expect and focus on the positive and ignore some of the behaviors.  My husband and I walk around reminding each other he has special needs and kids do well if they can.    I think if I can get him more, I could perhaps get more of him, increase his rare smiles and maybe even get the ever elusive hug.

SIMILAR POSTS:

• Kay’s three wishes for parents of “hard to raise” kids
• Want to spill your guts? Easy to Love but Hard to Raise is looking for contributors!
• Guest blog: Dating & Raising an “Easy to Love” Child

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This entry was posted in about us, Asperger syndrome, family patterns + dysfunction, guest post, worries + doubts by Adrienne Ehlert Bashista. Bookmark the permalink.

Why?

There are so many days I ask WHY? Why am I in this life? Why am I trying to blog about it? Why do we have to live like this? Why can't he get it? Why can't he act his age?Why can't everyone else understand what we go through? Why can't we help him more? Why can't I win the lotto? It is the ever present present why me, which for the most part I really don't go there. Because WHY? What is the point? I already got the why us part...clearly. The 100 people who have actually told me "wow, I could never do, handle, live with that" pretty much make it clear. And really, my family is amazing, we are chill, laid back and pretty much roll on with the added strife of a special needs child. Most days. Erma Bombeck has a pretty spectacular essay about the Why and WHO gets these amazing kids...I would like to tip my hat to my favorite mom of the seventies other than my own and say, you got it. You get it and see how wonderful we parents are in spite of our sighs, cries, and whys.
The other day in a parking lot I witnessed a man who just totally didn't get it and made it worse. A young mom leading her incessant tantruming child out of Walmart, handling the child in a forceful but consistent way. Borderline of what is acceptable mom behavior. I looked and knew by the repetitive tone of the child, the child's complete lack of respect, the mom's calm demeanor in spite of being firm, the sheer exhaustion her face and the been there done this everyday expression of what was going on. I knew I couldn't help her. I could say, hang in there, you go girl, but really in that moment, she doesn't want that, she wants her kid done and in the car. So, the obnoxious 40 something man yelling at her and causing a scene about the way she is handling her child was completely not helping. He was threatening to call the police and have her arrested. Really? The mom handled it with more grace than I usually do. I ignore and seethe later. She fired off a comment while walking purposefully to her car child in tow, "Have you ever heard of autism?" I thought yes in my head, and I have lived your walk, and have just had to do a similar walk, even though my child is now ten years older. I have spent 10 more years than you living this. The good news, we are all still walking. The bad news, it has been such a hard walk. I know that man has heard of autism. I also know that guy has no idea how autism presents itself everyday all day to the parents of these 1 in 63 kids.

The unpublished drafts are now available to those few that follow.

I stopped this blog because it was hard.  And the years that followed were harder.  But today I was reminded that so many of us are still out there and struggling with stuff that quite frankly people just don't get it.  So here is a few more posts of angst and affirmation. Oh...and I might turn them into a book for this kid.  And give it to him when he is 30.