Little Man

My recent blog was dedicated to a fellow mom in the trenches. She was/is inspiring to me. So is my youngest son. No labels, no extraordinary issues, he is what most parents have, a neurotypical child with typical developmental patterns. He is also (self-described) as kind, generous, and giving. He is. Always has been.
I used to hope and pray for a child who is like my husband. I got it. He is kind, patient, friendly and nice to all. His usual state of mind is happy.
Bounce just happens to look more like my side of the family. Not to say, he didn't get some of my traits. He did...like stubbornness, determination, or crabby when hungry. Plus, run away, when mad, sad, or tired of it all.
However, like my husband and I, he also got persevere in tough times. He sticks around and goes with the flow. He believes in the best and cries over the worst. We all do. WE ALWAYS HOPE AND PRAY. Odd, that wasn't supposed to be all caps and was. Strange. I am leaving it. Because I believe in it. However, I digress.
I asked Bounce the other day if he could handle another child who had anger issues and threw tantrums. He replied, quickly and easily, "Of course, I'm used to it." I knew what he meant. We are used to it, the perpetual unpredictability of Builder combined with the constant thought what's next? Builder is so much better than before; but still has a long way to go. His behavior can be extremely trying. But we know he doesn't mean it. He would be the first to protect us from harm. His daily antics, experiments, and outbursts? We can take it. We know how to deal with it. It is not typical for most families. It is for ours.
Bounce has long been known as "Little Man", I think he is deserving of his title.

Effective Consequences....

My husband and I are pretty right one with immediate consequences and the repreccusions they bring. They usually work. They did when we were kids. Not so much with our kids. It is very different. From the minute one. "If you chose to leave your bike out in the yard before bed, I will wake you and make sure you bring it in."
"What time will you wake me up?"
"Huh"
"Just bring your bike in."
The children of today have sense of consequences because really ther are no in today's world. Just keep on keeping on.

Sandy

When you have a child with special needs, you sit in a lot of waiting rooms. Often. Sometimes every week, sometimes all year long. While your child gets the amazing therapy he/she needs to succeed in life, you wait.
If you are like me, you could try to run one errand, try to read a book, or clean out your purse in each fifty minute slot. But, really, you can't do those actions every week. Some weeks you are so tired, you could sleep in the waiting room on the hard plastic chair. Some weeks you are so keyed up, you could easily lead a marching band through the room. Other weeks, the weather is so awful, you are just happy to sit quietly.
For the siblings of the child in therapy, you prepare. You play, you cajole, they usually meet other waiting sibs and depending on those children's social skills...you intervene and read your child a book or let your child deal with it.
Sometimes you meet another mom with the same time slot or waiting for the same group your child is attending because so is their child. If it is the latter, you have a great deal to talk about and share. It is the "free" therapy session for the moms of these unique kids.
Sometimes, you meet a mom who is meeting the daily challenges of her child with grace and magnificence. She is still smiling and making jokes. She is kind and friendly to your other children. She is interested in you, your life, and your child. She is one of the few moms who you know immediately understands your life.
She can nod in agreement with how you handled a potentially, truly, explosive moment and share back a tip of how she handled the same scene with her son. You will nod in agreement at how sometimes her husband isn't exactly on board with the latest parenting method or class.
You are amazed even your non-child experiences are the same. You have both been let go of jobs because of ill-tempered supervisors, you are the same age, she wants to become a teacher and you have been a teacher in your prior life.
She is the friend you will have over for coffee some morning or a drink some summer night. You haven't yet asked her; because every week you know how busy her schedule is and truthfully, so is yours. Se leads the entire Cub Scout troop for her child's school. She meets with her son's teachers to help them help her child. She is like you. Tireless and committed to her son and her community. She is an amazing mom that you admire. You are so glad to see her smiling, seated across from you every week in a waiting room of hard chairs.

Shockingly, Sandy passed away suddenly last week. She will be missed by so many.
This post is dedicated to Sandy Meinholz, her husband, and her son, Trevor.

What It Is

Last month, I had my car window smashed in and my purse stolen. I know better than to leave my purse in the car; but I thought I was in a safe area. I thought, of course it could happen- but it won't. But it did. I was upset and shocked.
However, you quickly get over it. Simply because you have to. There are phone calls to make and cards to be canceled. You just deal and ride home a little bit more breezy than you might have liked.
Thinking more on it...it is very similar to how we deal with a diagnosis of autism or ADHD or whatever else is thrown our way. You deal with it. You start making phone calls. You deal with it immediately and the many months after.
You are upset and a bit dismayed that this situation has happened to you. It is not what you expected to deal with at all. You have always taken every precaution so this type of situation wouldn't happen.
But it does. And it did. And it has changed you. It changes how you interact with everyone else in the world.
You view the world differently than others. You take nothing for granted. You understand when parents talk to their children what they are really thinking and feeling. You know why children are behaving certain ways and why they are not. You have examined every parenting book known to mankind. Your knowledge base is extreme parenting. You want to offer advice, help, and encouragement. But only in small doses so as not to seem obnoxious.
In an effort to help you understand your own child, you now understand most children; yet still not always your own. However, you get it. You understand the others now. It is what is.

Good Work

Tonight Builder was busy on the computer. Not unusual. He is usually looking for the newest product he can buy or build. Often, it is the Obsession of the Week, any item he has seen somewhere,or heard of, and must have immediately.
Tonight, he had printed out copies of a rat playing a saxophone. That's right, sax playing rat. Real rat, tiny sax. I saw the photo. Very real.
He was busy writing a note to his fellow sax playing classmate. "You are a realy good sax player." He then included the picture of the talented rat and sealed it up.
I helped him with spelling and added some paper clips for him. I believe it was one of his first gestures to show appreciation for someone else's talents. I know he is impressed his friend can play the Sponge Bob Square Pants song. What I don't know is if he realizes how much his friend will appreciate this gesture.
Builder is still very concrete in his thinking. Friend is good sax player-tell him he is good. He doesn't have the concept of good deeds lead to good will.
I don't think he realizes the many opportunities for telling someone they are a good sax player. He just sees it as it is.
Do most of realize the value of a good compliment? I always try to compliment the fast cashier, the person in front of me in line, or the phone operator who was helpful. I think it is harder to do with the people you know and see all the time. Because you know them and see them all the time. Just for this week, try to tell them a trait or talent they have that you admire-- in honor of Builder.

REALLY?

I get all the women's magazines and parenting magazines. I even enrolled in two middle school courses to learn about my middle school kid. (Actually the state required me to have them to teach this unique and unpredictable age). Prior to having children, I had considered myself an expert on this developmental stage. (Hence, I never took the classes). I taught in a middle school for over ten years. HA! Apparently teaching over 700 adolescents means nothing when dealing with ONE of your own. REALLY.
Apologies to all the former parents of my students for anything I said when I was single or married with no kids. I now know I am equal to the worst parents I ever had to deal with...I am a lethal combination of over-involved and under-competent. I know I am the one the teachers talk about in the halls and in the lunchroom (not in a good way). REALLY.
I appear as a slacker parent. And I know it. How horrifying is that to a teacher of teachers, right now? Very. However, I am the involved parent...I sign the assignment notebook, even though stuff isn't done and it will never be. Reading log...forgetta about it. Not going to happen. Explaining where the notebooks and folders are...gosh you got me, until I do a thorough Spring Cleaning or Summer Break rolls around. Same with the overdue library books.
Conferences are next week. Embarrassing. I have to talk to the single "me" when I was young and naive. I am considering giving her a stamped self-addressed envelope with enough postage for ten years from now when she wants to say sorry to me. She now has a ten year old and gets it. Because I will need it. REALLY!

A Tween Day in School

Today I spent the day as an eighth grade student. All day in school. Started at 8:15...finished at 2:15. As part of my middle school course training, I had to to shadow a eighth grader. I happened to shadow a really happy, outgoing, friendly adolescent. The opposite of me in middle school. By the way, we called it junior high then, and we all were left to fend for ourselves on our own.
What I realized is important. It is a long day and they sit on very hard chairs. When I taught, I was always moving and leading the class in some way. Most days I got them moving. I now apologize for any day we didn't get out of our seats at least for a bit.
Some teachers are really not so good. Without a lesson plan, the class unravels into a free-for-all. Other teachers make you want to stay in their room all day.
And for parents everywhere... "we" (tweens) want rules, structure, and a game plan. It completely relieves our anxiety and need to perform. We hate a gap in the day's structure. We will fill it with noise, chaos, or technology, or just obnoxious comments.
If your child comes home from school stressed out. It might not be their fault. It is difficult to sit in a 50 minute class with an ineffective teacher. It is really boring. Also very loud. I felt anxiety after three classes of kids yelling out and teachers responding with inane comments.
Lunch? Not so relaxing. I barely had time to eat 1/2 of my lunch. No time to head to the bathroom if I wanted to be on time.
From class to class, I primarily sat in a chair. Mostly bored. The good teachers were great and my mind was busy the whole time. I felt good after being in those classes. I felt I had something to share or pursue. For example, if your child has a good teacher this year, send them a thank you and tell themm what they are doing right for your child. If your child doesn't have a good teacher this year, send them a note saying these kids just can't sit in a chair for more than 20 minutes.