New Year, New game plan

1. I can't believe my last post was in November.
2. But really I can. It seems like the boys haven't been to school very much in the past 8 weeks with all the vacation days and holidays.
3. I don't really like to write about when things are challenging to me. Who wants to just complain and rant?
4. Things have been challenging around here.

I have decide there is a definite ebb and flow to my Builder's mood swings and behavior. But that is as far as I have gotten. Does it correlate with the moon stages? Does it more correlate with his diet and increased wheat intake? Is he just a terrible tween right now? Is the pressure of behaving at school too much for him that he comes home and we all who love him unconditionally get to be sprayed with his frustrations with life in general? Either way it isn't pretty and doesn't make good copy.
Luckily, I have been taking care of myself and reading lots of books for me. I love memoirs of any sort and read them by the truckload. Because the secret of a good memoir is your life has been hard and full of characters who really were selfish. Plus, these authors have made it out of their life trenches and gained wisdom they are now freely passing on to you! It is a beautiful thing.
This month I have learned, the less you control others, the more control you get and you are responsible for your own happiness. Pretty powerful statements. And the best thing about them, these tidbits of advice are pretty easy to implement into your own life. I do not need to depend on the moon stage, my diet, my students' lack of turning in homework, I just need to breathe and realize my child is who he is. He can go to school looking like Pee Wee Herman (a botched attempt at a home made Mohawk) and still live amid the taunts of his classmates. He can swear at me when he is angry and I cannot take it personally and realize he is frustrated by not understanding his world. I can hold him accountable when he is less angry hours later. I can also give myself credit for being the best mom I can be even if I don't always deserve the title.

Guilty as Charged

The problem with writing your thoughts down on paper or computer, is someday, someone might read them. Or in the case of a blog, you either really want many people to read it or you at least, like myself, kinda want someone, at least one, to read it and relate. However, you are fully aware it is writing being made public on the Internet for anyone to see. It is the exact opposite of my sixth grade notebook writings that were carefully hidden under my mattress. The only audience of those twelve-year-old laments was supposed to be me. Except for the time my mom found it and she cried.

Now, dear reader, you will see what I have been charged with in my latest writing class. A veteran, published author of personal essays has suggested that perhaps my essays, "share the beginnings of real emotion...but stop short of real disclosure." Hmmm...well, maybe. She suggested, "Have I always been a self-sufficient person and therefore asking for help is hard?" Well, I haven't spent much time thinking about that until she asked...but, yes, guilty as charged. Getting feedback on a personal essay gets pretty personal awfully darn fast. I think, I feel, if I ask for help, then I am not succeeding. Or upon further thought, I am not perfect. Not perfect as in perfection, but my all is not good enough. And as a parent of a particularly challenging child on a daily basis, I almost always feel like my all isn't good enough. Now, isn't that the truth?
I wish I could ask my mom if all parents feel like "giving their all" isn't good enough on a lot of days. I know she felt it, the day she read in my notebook, I didn't like her.