ABCs and IEPs

Just hopped off my broom from my recent IEP meeting with Builder's school. I haven't been too pleased with this year. His teacher interpreted accommodations to mean lowered expectations and in general his teaching philosophy is "whatever." The lack of accountability coupled with my tween's attitude of "whatever" meant no one cared, except my husband and I. And on the really bad nights where numero uno son did not want to do any homework, had thrown his math workbook in the trash, or lied again about the school website homework information being wrong, we too were at "whatever." It is so easy to go there. I really want to, I know he will still pass. Kinda easily, if he never does one more minute of homework at home. (What a glorious thought that is!) But, it isn't O.K., although in my own heart of hearts, I want to free every parent from homework across the nation.
Yes. I could so easily be elected president.
Yes. We want to teach him responsibility. But does it have to be about homework?
Yes. We want him to want to achieve. But does that mean via his homework?
Do we want him to have good study habits? Yes. But can't that be about topics he cares about?
And finally, do I want him to not take a foreign language or band and have two study halls? Yes. We want our tax dollars at work. Homework.

"Mom, does Chris have friends?" my younger son whispered to me tonight as he was going to bed.
"He has a few," I sighed. "Why are you asking about that?"
"Because I saw him sitting alone at recess today," he replied.

I assured Bounce we would talk about more later. He nodded because he knows the conversation might take more than a few minutes. I am also sure Bounce cannot fathom what it might be like to not have friends. He has many friends. He gets invited to birthday parties and play dates. He has many kids to call on the weekend. Builder does not.
Middle achool has been rough. Builder is bullied and not fitting in with

New Year, New game plan

1. I can't believe my last post was in November.
2. But really I can. It seems like the boys haven't been to school very much in the past 8 weeks with all the vacation days and holidays.
3. I don't really like to write about when things are challenging to me. Who wants to just complain and rant?
4. Things have been challenging around here.

I have decide there is a definite ebb and flow to my Builder's mood swings and behavior. But that is as far as I have gotten. Does it correlate with the moon stages? Does it more correlate with his diet and increased wheat intake? Is he just a terrible tween right now? Is the pressure of behaving at school too much for him that he comes home and we all who love him unconditionally get to be sprayed with his frustrations with life in general? Either way it isn't pretty and doesn't make good copy.
Luckily, I have been taking care of myself and reading lots of books for me. I love memoirs of any sort and read them by the truckload. Because the secret of a good memoir is your life has been hard and full of characters who really were selfish. Plus, these authors have made it out of their life trenches and gained wisdom they are now freely passing on to you! It is a beautiful thing.
This month I have learned, the less you control others, the more control you get and you are responsible for your own happiness. Pretty powerful statements. And the best thing about them, these tidbits of advice are pretty easy to implement into your own life. I do not need to depend on the moon stage, my diet, my students' lack of turning in homework, I just need to breathe and realize my child is who he is. He can go to school looking like Pee Wee Herman (a botched attempt at a home made Mohawk) and still live amid the taunts of his classmates. He can swear at me when he is angry and I cannot take it personally and realize he is frustrated by not understanding his world. I can hold him accountable when he is less angry hours later. I can also give myself credit for being the best mom I can be even if I don't always deserve the title.

Guilty as Charged

The problem with writing your thoughts down on paper or computer, is someday, someone might read them. Or in the case of a blog, you either really want many people to read it or you at least, like myself, kinda want someone, at least one, to read it and relate. However, you are fully aware it is writing being made public on the Internet for anyone to see. It is the exact opposite of my sixth grade notebook writings that were carefully hidden under my mattress. The only audience of those twelve-year-old laments was supposed to be me. Except for the time my mom found it and she cried.

Now, dear reader, you will see what I have been charged with in my latest writing class. A veteran, published author of personal essays has suggested that perhaps my essays, "share the beginnings of real emotion...but stop short of real disclosure." Hmmm...well, maybe. She suggested, "Have I always been a self-sufficient person and therefore asking for help is hard?" Well, I haven't spent much time thinking about that until she asked...but, yes, guilty as charged. Getting feedback on a personal essay gets pretty personal awfully darn fast. I think, I feel, if I ask for help, then I am not succeeding. Or upon further thought, I am not perfect. Not perfect as in perfection, but my all is not good enough. And as a parent of a particularly challenging child on a daily basis, I almost always feel like my all isn't good enough. Now, isn't that the truth?
I wish I could ask my mom if all parents feel like "giving their all" isn't good enough on a lot of days. I know she felt it, the day she read in my notebook, I didn't like her.

1-2-3 magic

The title of this post makes me smile because it is also the title of one of the first books I bought to help me parent when I had an eighteen month old. I had actually ordered three books in a desperate attempt to add some positive discipline and order to the daily rebellion. I was embarrassed enough having to order the books. As an experienced elementary teacher and veteran babysitter, I had believed this parenting stuff to be a walk through the park. And it had been. Until Builder started walking and talking. Strong-willed and spirited child is what the experts like to call these children. My mom and dad would call it payback for my teenage years. But really, I was desperate. The days were getting harder and harder. So, I ordered up some books that were promptly delivered to my neighbor, who opened them, and then delivered them to me. "I think these are yours"...they couldn't possibly be for me , I have 3 girls. Great, I thought, the whole 'hood knows I can't parent. As if they hadn't seen my desperate actions in stores or at the park. At any rate, I read those first books, tried it out, and quickly ordered more heavy duty tomes. My early favorite, quickly dismissed, was the 1-2-3 Magic book...all you really needed to say was 1 - 2 and by the time you got to 3, why gosh darn if the child wasn't supposed to be behaving. Ha. As a teacher, I already knew to count DOWN from three because, the clever kids knew you could count up forever, but always knew you needed to end at zero. I then ordered more books and consulted more experts. The prescription from all of these professionals was usually the same. Add more parent to the child. Play their way. Five positives for every correction. Empathy, then read them the rights. Advice much more constructive and understanding to combat their ferocious need to control their world. However, I have recently gone back to adding some 1-2-3 magic my way. If we need to clean Builder's room, I "pre-clean" it. (Think toss one garbage bag worth out before cleaning the room together) Adding a reference source to help him finish some super hard homework..I supply it. (Think 15 words that have "war" in them) And of course the best way to use 1-2-3 magic is to count them in your head very, very slowly as you decide to turn and walk away from the arguments, defiance, or mess.

Building Strengths for Builder

I am usually seeking, finding, investigating the next step, therapy, or group my son needs. But not anymore. I am looking and finding activities that suit his personality and interests. He is now eleven. Well, not really, but that is what age he tells he is to everyone he meets. I am trying to be attuned to his interests and wants. It is a teeter-totter act. I think. Negotiating with these independent thinkers, we call middle schoolers. It is the fine balance of suggestion and knowledge of your child. Some suggestions will be met with rolled eyes and an "OMG." And some will be met with a "really? cool." But it is up to us as parents to present these opportunities to our kids so they can find a strength, a stress outlet, a friend. This week it is a create and skate class...paint and individualize your skateboard. It's cool.

Oatmeal in the litterbox and other moments

What does oatmeal in the litter box, a bike without its wheels, and a guitar case made of duct tape all have in common? You are correct, nothing much. Nope, it is not the punch line to the latest Internet joke. It is simply a sample of the various events of my week here at home. And the boys were in school most of the hours of the week. Actually, all of these situations were produced by Builder. Here is why. In order to build a super rocket you need a bigger size cylinder, an oatmeal box or two. Does it really matter if they are full? No, not if you need them at 6AM before any parent is awake and you find a handy spot to hide the oatmeal. How can you possible build a ski bike if the bike still has wheels? You can't. Remove wheels immediately. Dismantle cross-country skis, attach to bike frame with duct tape. Wait for snow. Does it really matter if it happens to be your younger brother's bike? No, of course not! In fact all the better to leave your own bike intact. You have a case your electric guitar came in that is cloth and soft sided. You have seen real guitar cases that are solid, hard-sided, with handles. What better use for the multiple card boxes and duct tape you have stocked up in the past week? None. Let the projects continue, right after you vacuum up the oatmeal from behind the cat box.