The topic is vacation. Cue the music and relaxing scenes. Happy family by beach or pool, frolicking in the water. Maybe the parents are just sipping frozen drinks while the kids are in the Super-Fun Kid Club! Wish it could be me and mine. Alas, not so practical. For the past five to seven years, the husband and I have primarily vacationed without each other. And I think it has saved our marriage and family. No, truly.
I have felt guilty and ashamed this has been going on while the rest of the normal families vacationed happily and cheerfully around us. I felt jealous, they were bonding more than our unorthodox family. I felt, if only, we could all go together, it would be great and just what we needed.
You know what? It isn't. Nope not one bit... the last thing my family needs is more together time. Really.
We bust are "us" together during every week of the year. My husband and I communicate about every nuance of Builder and Bounce. All we need is some serious down time.
This not my childhood; where Dad was rarely home except to take us on Spring Break and Summer vacation. Nope, Dad is here every step of the way, every painful step of life we take, Dad is there. Mom is there is there to deal patiently every day after school, while we struggle mightily with completing 3 pages of work. We are exhausted. The last thing we need is to be together as a family more than we already are.
I want to sleep solidly without hearing snoring. I want to wake up and not mediate a fight. I want to hear nothing.
I love my family with every ounce of my being. But I do not want to vacation with them as a whole. Me and the boys with my gal pals and all their kids....Count Me In. Me and the boys with Dad and Jeanne...Count Me In! Me and the Dad...Count Me In. Me and all of my boys...count me with a prior engagement.
Only because I love them all so much! I'm pretty sure my husband is also OK with our unorthodox arrangement. He recently turned the packed car around after an hour and a half with us in the car. It's not just OK. It's all good.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
ADD = CARPE DIEM
Carpe Diem. In high school, this was our motto. Seize the day. Live each moment. I'll admit...it more accurately portrays my college experience. Good times, lots of moments, very little class time. I don't regret a single moment of of those four years. I don't even regret most of the bad choices I made. So, for 2010, I really want to try and embrace the world my son lives in...choosing the present.
He has no choice but to be impulsive and do what he wants to do NOW! His brain works that way. My brain is filled with didn't dos, need to dos, and rules to follow. Boring. Painful. I will need to rethink how important is it to flush? Put your dish away? Do your homework? Not very in his eyes. NOW is the time to build a duct tape snow blower. Eat cheese sticks and throw your wrapper on the floor. Empty a tissue box just because you can use it to make a rat condo. NOW is the time! I am going to start with not harping about the wrapper, tissue box or duct tape remnants. What will you do? Carpe diem!
He has no choice but to be impulsive and do what he wants to do NOW! His brain works that way. My brain is filled with didn't dos, need to dos, and rules to follow. Boring. Painful. I will need to rethink how important is it to flush? Put your dish away? Do your homework? Not very in his eyes. NOW is the time to build a duct tape snow blower. Eat cheese sticks and throw your wrapper on the floor. Empty a tissue box just because you can use it to make a rat condo. NOW is the time! I am going to start with not harping about the wrapper, tissue box or duct tape remnants. What will you do? Carpe diem!
Saturday, November 21, 2009
No Idea
I had no idea. These are the words people say to me when they have the rare moment of actually seeing, sharing, or living with some of the really super-hard behaviors of children on the spectrum or ADHD. They are truly shocked and surprised at the intensity and extremes of the tantrums, fits, or screamed verbiage.
It is hearing those words and that moment, every parent who lives with these behaviors daily, weekly, or monthly feels even more isolated. It becomes even more clear how different our child and lives are than the mainstream.
Ironically, we parents of spectrum-kids already knew "they had no idea." Because, how could they? Our goal has been and is to get through each day minus a breakdown (including our own.
Careful steps are taken to insure each day goes as smoothly as possible. Any indication the child is about to blow and we whisk them out of that scene as fast as possible. Before any family party or new event, husband and wife decide whether to bring two cars and who will be the designated caretaker. Of course, timing is everything. But sometimes, it happens, the terrific tantrum or fantastic fit.
And...I must admit, I had no idea it would be this hard.
It is hearing those words and that moment, every parent who lives with these behaviors daily, weekly, or monthly feels even more isolated. It becomes even more clear how different our child and lives are than the mainstream.
Ironically, we parents of spectrum-kids already knew "they had no idea." Because, how could they? Our goal has been and is to get through each day minus a breakdown (including our own.
Careful steps are taken to insure each day goes as smoothly as possible. Any indication the child is about to blow and we whisk them out of that scene as fast as possible. Before any family party or new event, husband and wife decide whether to bring two cars and who will be the designated caretaker. Of course, timing is everything. But sometimes, it happens, the terrific tantrum or fantastic fit.
And...I must admit, I had no idea it would be this hard.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Share and Share Alike?
The other night on Facebook, I posted things I thought were the worst. I said Evite (it was frustrating me), self-check out at the grocery store (it just irritates me), and then homework (my kids', not mine). The worst is really a parent or child dying (I've lost my mom and others close to me).
I also really do not like clowns. Seriously, very afraid. However, I do not share that tidbit about me with many people. In fact, at this point, just my sisters and college roommates know that fear. (The college roommates pasted clowns everywhere in my dorm room, my sisters just laugh and say you better run, there's a clown).
My question today is how much to share with the people you kind of know? But primarily, how much to share about your child with people your child knows but you don't. Ideally, your child will be friends with them at some point? I don't always tell other people Builder is ADHD or on the spectrum. Of course, my close friends all know.
Yet, my life would be so much easier if everyone knew how Builder thinks. It isn't wrong, it is just different than many others. He knows he has Asperger's. I'm not sure how much he understands it; but he knows it makes him special and unique. He has talents and skills the majority of his friends and family do not. He also has limitations, mostly social. However, it is impossible to let the world know.
So, as much as I would love to print postcards with helpful hints, I don't. Certainly, considered it. I feel we need to help Builder understand how the other side thinks. It doesn't seem right to say he has Autism. It sounds like a disease. I prefer to say he thinks differently. His brain works in a distinct way.
Much like mine. I just can't get past the face paint, red nose, and really big shoes. I just hope I never have a clown behind me in the self-checkout line at the grocery store.
I also really do not like clowns. Seriously, very afraid. However, I do not share that tidbit about me with many people. In fact, at this point, just my sisters and college roommates know that fear. (The college roommates pasted clowns everywhere in my dorm room, my sisters just laugh and say you better run, there's a clown).
My question today is how much to share with the people you kind of know? But primarily, how much to share about your child with people your child knows but you don't. Ideally, your child will be friends with them at some point? I don't always tell other people Builder is ADHD or on the spectrum. Of course, my close friends all know.
Yet, my life would be so much easier if everyone knew how Builder thinks. It isn't wrong, it is just different than many others. He knows he has Asperger's. I'm not sure how much he understands it; but he knows it makes him special and unique. He has talents and skills the majority of his friends and family do not. He also has limitations, mostly social. However, it is impossible to let the world know.
So, as much as I would love to print postcards with helpful hints, I don't. Certainly, considered it. I feel we need to help Builder understand how the other side thinks. It doesn't seem right to say he has Autism. It sounds like a disease. I prefer to say he thinks differently. His brain works in a distinct way.
Much like mine. I just can't get past the face paint, red nose, and really big shoes. I just hope I never have a clown behind me in the self-checkout line at the grocery store.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Halo-ween costume
Tomorrow the children will all be parading around parking lots or gymnasiums, showing off their Halloween costumes. Some kids have known for the past 364 days what they will be. There will be sports players, Hannah Montanas, witches, clowns, inflatable sumo wrestlers (my youngest), and a duct-taped Storm trooper.
Huh? I meant to say an orange and blue striped, duct-taped Storm trooper. I do love the colors, as a University of Illinois alum. As a mom, I am worried.
Builder started working on his costume back in September. His teacher had called him Dr. Duct Tape. He loved the name. It is perfect for the mini-mogul he is. His duct tape purse and wallet business is still going strong two years later.
First, he made a top-hat. I believe it was modeled after the duct tape prom wear. Plus, adding a top hat always exudes professional. Think chimney sweeper.
However, it was too small to stay on his head. Problem #1. But still doable, I suggested a lab coat or scrubs to go with the duct tape. He looked at me and said, "That doesn't make any sense." Clearly, he had a different vision of his Dr. Duct Tape than I did. Son of Svengooli perhaps?
Next, he saw a picture of Halo, the game box super soldier. Problem #2. He wanted to morph the two costumes. He went to work on his old Star Wars costume.
Thus, a striped, duct-taped Storm trooper will be parading tomorrow. I will be the mom in the tiny orange and black top hat praying the other children appreciate his efforts as much as I worry about them.
Huh? I meant to say an orange and blue striped, duct-taped Storm trooper. I do love the colors, as a University of Illinois alum. As a mom, I am worried.
Builder started working on his costume back in September. His teacher had called him Dr. Duct Tape. He loved the name. It is perfect for the mini-mogul he is. His duct tape purse and wallet business is still going strong two years later.
First, he made a top-hat. I believe it was modeled after the duct tape prom wear. Plus, adding a top hat always exudes professional. Think chimney sweeper.
However, it was too small to stay on his head. Problem #1. But still doable, I suggested a lab coat or scrubs to go with the duct tape. He looked at me and said, "That doesn't make any sense." Clearly, he had a different vision of his Dr. Duct Tape than I did. Son of Svengooli perhaps?
Next, he saw a picture of Halo, the game box super soldier. Problem #2. He wanted to morph the two costumes. He went to work on his old Star Wars costume.
Thus, a striped, duct-taped Storm trooper will be parading tomorrow. I will be the mom in the tiny orange and black top hat praying the other children appreciate his efforts as much as I worry about them.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Home-work- SCORE!
As a teacher, I never really liked homework. It just seemed like an unnecessary evil. As a 23 year old, I baby-sat four girls for a week at a time, I realized then, kids and their parents did not have time to do homework, let alone eat dinner most nights after school.
As a parent, I'm all for banning it. For my family, we have exactly 4 hours between the last school bell and bed time. After school activities, play dates, dinner, shower, and reading fill that time. Our kids go to sleep by eight and will sleep ten to twelve hours. Builder is on the 12 side. Sleep is a huge regulator.
Add to the matter, what "regular" students can do in 20 minutes for homework is multiplied by 9 in my house for him. The older he gets, the harder it is to impart why he needs to do his homework and do it well.
Understanding the relationship between studying and grades is a huge stretch for him. He lives in the moment of NOW. Now never includes homework for him. However, the now includes WORK for me to get the homework done.
But if the Bears win on Sunday, his teacher told the class they won't have homework on Monday. SCORE!
As a parent, I'm all for banning it. For my family, we have exactly 4 hours between the last school bell and bed time. After school activities, play dates, dinner, shower, and reading fill that time. Our kids go to sleep by eight and will sleep ten to twelve hours. Builder is on the 12 side. Sleep is a huge regulator.
Add to the matter, what "regular" students can do in 20 minutes for homework is multiplied by 9 in my house for him. The older he gets, the harder it is to impart why he needs to do his homework and do it well.
Understanding the relationship between studying and grades is a huge stretch for him. He lives in the moment of NOW. Now never includes homework for him. However, the now includes WORK for me to get the homework done.
But if the Bears win on Sunday, his teacher told the class they won't have homework on Monday. SCORE!
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Pick Up the Phone
Note to readers: There will be minor profanity in this post. Please remove small children from the room. So, I get a phone message from Builder at 3:05PM. He is supposed to be at school until 4:30 at Bucket Band. He has called to say his teacher has a tooth problem and needs to go to the dentist after school. It is a stretch and I don't really believe it, but OK. This is the message:
"Mom? It's me, Builder, I don't have Bucket Band today because Mr. N. hurt his tooth or something and needs to go to the dentist or something after school. So you need to pick me up after school." That's the home line.
"Mom, It's me, Builder? Where are you? There's no band after school. You need to pick me up. Where are you? Pick up the d*#n phone!" That's my cell.
I must say, I laughed out loud when I picked up this message. For so many reasons.
1. 9 yr. old says d*#n to his Mom. 2. Can't believe I am that Mom. 3. He really doesn't see anything wrong with it. 4. He was frustrated and that is how it goes. 5. This is my life, just like I imagined. Again, laughing.
By accident, I deleted the message before I could counsel Builder on the error of his ways and laugh more that night while playing message for DH. Luckily, Builder remembered the message verbatim when asked exactly what his message said. Clearly, he still did not see a problem with his word choice.
I told him I was at the library where I could not answer my phone. He said, "Oh." I then explained succinctly, "If you ever phone me and use bad words, you should know I will not be picking you up."
"OK, I will find a ride with my friends."
Life's like this.
"Mom? It's me, Builder, I don't have Bucket Band today because Mr. N. hurt his tooth or something and needs to go to the dentist or something after school. So you need to pick me up after school." That's the home line.
"Mom, It's me, Builder? Where are you? There's no band after school. You need to pick me up. Where are you? Pick up the d*#n phone!" That's my cell.
I must say, I laughed out loud when I picked up this message. For so many reasons.
1. 9 yr. old says d*#n to his Mom. 2. Can't believe I am that Mom. 3. He really doesn't see anything wrong with it. 4. He was frustrated and that is how it goes. 5. This is my life, just like I imagined. Again, laughing.
By accident, I deleted the message before I could counsel Builder on the error of his ways and laugh more that night while playing message for DH. Luckily, Builder remembered the message verbatim when asked exactly what his message said. Clearly, he still did not see a problem with his word choice.
I told him I was at the library where I could not answer my phone. He said, "Oh." I then explained succinctly, "If you ever phone me and use bad words, you should know I will not be picking you up."
"OK, I will find a ride with my friends."
Life's like this.
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