It is hard not to be upset by an Asperger's child's behavior. Why? Lots of reasons.

1. It appears selfish.
2. It seems manipulative.
3. It is usually extreme.
4. It appears disrespectful.
5. It feels horrible.

But the catch is, it isn't their fault. It is their wiring. It is their body's way of dealing with a world seen differently. I need to remember this fact, always. I need to never forget it even when their behavior that isn't so nice to people has me upset.
My child does not have crutches, a G-tube, or braces. He looks and acts like a normal 'tween. Totally. No offense, (as he would say in his Tween-speak), but he isn't. It isn't fair to treat him like a regular student, when he can't do the work load. It isn't OK to expect him to act as if he cares about others, when he just doesn't. It isn't OK to expect him to do anything, except what he wants to do.
He will do those other items to for others sometimes; but only if he thinks he gets something for it he wants. As for school, there is really no reason to do any of it in his mind, but he understands as part of the rules of school, you just do it.
From the mundane to the really important, it is I who must internalize how my son thinks.

Adopted: Betwixted and be Tween

My son Builder is adopted. He has known he was adopted ever since he can remember. He knows his brother Bounce grew in my tummy. At three, he told me clearly, I was not his mother. I quickly informed him, although he grew in another Mommy's tummy; (f.y.i., much better toddler word choice than "birth parent" which I had used earlier with him...) I was his mom and his dad and I were very much definitely his parents. Throughout the years we have made a life book, talked about his birthparents, and written letters to them. It is a closed adoption so there are no replies or answers. I wish there were, to give Builder some more information about his "relatives." Maybe as a tween trying to figure out who your are, it would be helpful to have some extra people around to relate.
He is twelve now. Builder is full of ideas of who should be the boss, not us. Who should care, not us. And the daily "Why should I's" or "That's not my problem." He vocally states he doesn't want a brother, his actions reveal he doesn't want a mother, he recognizes he needs a father or perhaps just some adult to help him on his way to independence.
This incredible bravado is hard on the brother, mother, and father. And often the grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. We just want him to sort of like us and enjoy being around us. Is it really that hard? I do wonder. I know this is completely normal adolescent behavior. Tweens are trying their best to separate from their parents and childhood roles. But sometimes it seems amplified. Is it because of his Asperger's, ADHD, or being adopted? I am not adopted. I don't know how it feels. Tons of research and testimonials say it can be difficult. Maybe I should ask my younger sister. The sister, a year younger than me, that I didn't so much enjoy at my heels growing up. The one I often told, she was adopted, even though she wasn't. After all, there were no pictures of her until she turned two.

How to Handle Birthday Bullies? Or My Child’s Frenemies.

Unfortunately, I know my son is bullied at school. I also know much of the time he probably doesn’t even know he is being bullied or made fun of by his “friends.” He has Asperger’s and ADHD. Understanding social cues and subtle facial gestures is difficult for my sixth grade boy.
I know fully that my son is often inappropriate with the words and actions he uses. However, my son is never mean spirited. He may be callous, cold, and unthinking. He may be insensitive and unresponsive to someone else’s pain, but he never tries to purposely cause it.
Through conversations with my other son, who is neurotypical and a year behind his brother in school, I am informed of the hostile acts and words said to my older son at recess or in the lunch room. Amazingly, my older son believes these other children in his grade are his friends. Ironically, the school staff also believes these other children are my son’s friends.
Well, I don’t. I know some of the children in my son’s grade are bullies. Their acts are planned out, cruel, and intended to be mean. I have seen my son’s face when he knows the Number One bully will be at an event he is going to attend. His face shows extreme fear even as he says hello to the other boy. He thinks they are still his friends. It has become apparent to me they are actually frenemies. By acting as friends, they can further target their acts.
Today, the bullies left the school yard and came to our home. Today was also my son’s 12th birthday. His “friends” decided to put shaving cream in our mailbox, on our cars, pumpkin decorations, and on the driveway. They had made an X, but after some internet research, I think they might have been trying to make a much darker symbol. Because we live in a small town, my husband managed to track the boys down quickly, report their “mischief” to their parents, and have the boys clean up the mess. Mostly.
The two offenders couldn’t erase the mess they had made of my son’s birth day. They couldn’t clean up my younger son’s dismay when he found out who did it and why he thinks they did it. The boys also were not able to get rid of the disgust I feel when I see them on the street skateboarding away.
I wonder if I should follow up. Do I call or email to let their parents know how glad I am the boys did make an effort to make reparations for their actions? Do I also call to say; by the way, what your boys did is vandalism? They could pay a fine up to $250,000 or spend three years in prison. Of course, they would not at this age, too many people are looking the other way when children misbehave, including my son, and often the bullies’ parents.

24/7

Our eldest boy is almost twelve. At age eleven, I was babysitting most weekend nights for other families with small children. Parenting a child on the spectrum, I am finding you cannot leave them alone or unsupervised for even thirty minutes. In the past month, our child has made horrible decisions about how to handle any time left unsupervised.

Balancing Act

So...question of the day? would you rather have your child survive in a mainstream school or thrive in a school setting designed for how they think and act? Trick question. There is no right answer.

His Bark is Much Worse Than His Bite

So if you are parenting a child on the autism spectrum, you know your child perceives minor wounds as extremely serious and major wounds as insignificant. Well, parenting the Asperger’s child, you might also know they perceive minor insults as astronomical and major insults as nothing.
Example: your child smashes into doorway head first, gashing open head, remains calm and is fine. Your child accidentally trips on rug, no injury, and is devastated, crying hysterically. As the children get older, it is even more mind-boggling. Nope, the bloody wipe out on the skateboard didn’t hurt; but the imaginary bee sting he didn’t really get is killing him.
As a parent of such child of conundrums, I prepare. He loves bandages, band aids, and medical tape. He often sports medical aids found at Walgreens including ankle supports, wrist bands, and the occasional eye patch.
I am always on a first name basis with the school nurse. I know he uses her office as a refuge from the assault of school life. My little sister always did when she was younger . Apparently she needed the support and break from the classroom. For me, a germaphobe, I would really rather die, than lie on one of those scary cots in a room with no windows. Not my son, I fully expect the daily 10am call. Sure, He can have an Advil, Benedryl, and Calamine. It is the ABCs of nursing a needy child.
However, last week, he actually gave me cause for concern. Almost. He was skateboarding at a nearby park. Within minutes he had returned, crying, yelling, and swearing. A dog had bitten his wrist while skateboarding. Scary, right? Except he was wearing a fleece jacket. And when I checked “the bite” there wasn’t one. But he was very upset. He told me he swore at the dog and told the dog he was going to tear its ears off if he bites him again. He also told me he swore at the owner who had let the dog off leash.
I remained calm. I asked if he was OK first of all. Second, I checked the non-wound and acknowledged its alleged presence. Next, I asked if he truly said those things to the owner of the dog. I admit I crossed my fingers behind my back and thought, “surely not.” He replied, “No, but I thought them.” Hallelujah. Progress.
Progress. Therefore, I felt a need to make sure the dog had no rabies, had its shots, even though there was no wound. I wanted to acknowledge Builder’s obviously scary event. But not build it up or give the incident too much power. On the condition, Builder would stay in the car, we found the owner, or actually the owner’s friends and all the facts were cleared up. Including the bite and the bark.

Summer

We are three days away from summer. I am looking forward to it. No more homework, no more books, no more teachers' dirty looks. Because this year was pretty lame academically, I definitely did not make any new lasting friendships with the school personnel as I normally do most years. However, the unstructured nature of summer leaves me happy and unnerved. The good news is I just got a great post from www.parentingmyaspergerschild.com (one of the best websites for all of us parenting children on the spectrum. The blog offers concrete activites and advice about how to entertain the Asperger's child. I already know my husband and I are his main BFFs this summer. Because the few friends he has, most likely will not be around or at camp. But this summer, I think Builder needs more. He needs more. More skills, more support in so many ways, socially, academically, self-esteem wise, and interests. He needs much more than we can give him. He has gone to overnight camp before and loved it. But he didn't come home feeling any better about himself or more socially adept. He actually came home more stressed out and defiant. This year we are going to try a camp designed to help children with Asperger's, ADHD, and NVLD. Money well spent? We will see.