My Favorite People

My Favorite People have a lot in common. Not nessecarily with me, but with the people I love. My favorite people love my sons. They get them. They love them unconditionally. They rejoice in thier endeavors, tell them they are amazing, and also support me in parenting them. They have the unique view of seeing the positive and the future. I tend to only see the cluttered, mess of the normal day.

In high school, my friend Michelle and I would write numerous notes to each other. One constant of the notes was a roller coaster we would draw with stick figures. Up and down our stick figures would ride in small boxes. Their arms were usually up and we would draw big oos for their mouths or occaisionally their entire bodies would be barely hanging on and flying off the carts. And yes, sometimes, the carts were empty with a small figure climbing up the wood lattice. High school was tumultous. Thatwas the point. Every day was a new drama or situation, but we were on the ride. You really can't get off. It is called life. For most people the drama and the roller coast ride subsides for the most part. For the parent of a child with special needs, the roller coaster ride really doesn't end. There are definitely moments where you feel like you are on top of the world and you are doing what lots of people can't or couldn't. You are taking something out of control and feeling excited, energized, and happy about the ride. Other days, you are climbing so slowly uphill with no end in sight, you just want to get off the ride and be done. It feels like it will never end and you are going to be stuck or worse, you are going to fall. And perhaps not ever get up. You will be trapped in this state forever. But then the law of physics kicks in and a body in motion stays in motion. I am a tad bit guilty of feeling overwhelmed and stuck, and sometimes hopeless. However, I am happy to report, there is always a new bend, turn, or even a hill that will get and keep you back on track so eventually you can enjoy the ride even if the next drop is around the corner.

Apparently my husband and child have watched a video of "Best Practices"http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/458/play-the-part?act=2, in it the husband records best practices in order to get along with his wife. My DH has decided a notebook of Best Practices would greatly benefit our son. Apparently, the first lesson learned by said son is "Don't Mess With Mom." Duh! Seriously? At what age do most kids and husbands get this message? I am pretty sure it is at 2 not 12! I also must admit, I am a mean mom. Get your ass in gear and we go. I don't even ever swear, ask anyone, it is just implied in my tone. I will fully admit I swear often under my breath and just to me. Often. OK so back to my post: Best Practices. It is really easy. All you kids that want a fight, stop it! We, the people that love you, want to love you in the easy way it was designed. Stop being disagreeable, stop being defiant, stop being in the way of yourself. Let some adults help you. Especially the ones offering you advice. Listen. You need their help. And they need your unique perspective.

It is hard not to be upset by an Asperger's child's behavior. Why? Lots of reasons.

1. It appears selfish.
2. It seems manipulative.
3. It is usually extreme.
4. It appears disrespectful.
5. It feels horrible.

But the catch is, it isn't their fault. It is their wiring. It is their body's way of dealing with a world seen differently. I need to remember this fact, always. I need to never forget it even when their behavior that isn't so nice to people has me upset.
My child does not have crutches, a G-tube, or braces. He looks and acts like a normal 'tween. Totally. No offense, (as he would say in his Tween-speak), but he isn't. It isn't fair to treat him like a regular student, when he can't do the work load. It isn't OK to expect him to act as if he cares about others, when he just doesn't. It isn't OK to expect him to do anything, except what he wants to do.
He will do those other items to for others sometimes; but only if he thinks he gets something for it he wants. As for school, there is really no reason to do any of it in his mind, but he understands as part of the rules of school, you just do it.
From the mundane to the really important, it is I who must internalize how my son thinks.

Adopted: Betwixted and be Tween

My son Builder is adopted. He has known he was adopted ever since he can remember. He knows his brother Bounce grew in my tummy. At three, he told me clearly, I was not his mother. I quickly informed him, although he grew in another Mommy's tummy; (f.y.i., much better toddler word choice than "birth parent" which I had used earlier with him...) I was his mom and his dad and I were very much definitely his parents. Throughout the years we have made a life book, talked about his birthparents, and written letters to them. It is a closed adoption so there are no replies or answers. I wish there were, to give Builder some more information about his "relatives." Maybe as a tween trying to figure out who your are, it would be helpful to have some extra people around to relate.
He is twelve now. Builder is full of ideas of who should be the boss, not us. Who should care, not us. And the daily "Why should I's" or "That's not my problem." He vocally states he doesn't want a brother, his actions reveal he doesn't want a mother, he recognizes he needs a father or perhaps just some adult to help him on his way to independence.
This incredible bravado is hard on the brother, mother, and father. And often the grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. We just want him to sort of like us and enjoy being around us. Is it really that hard? I do wonder. I know this is completely normal adolescent behavior. Tweens are trying their best to separate from their parents and childhood roles. But sometimes it seems amplified. Is it because of his Asperger's, ADHD, or being adopted? I am not adopted. I don't know how it feels. Tons of research and testimonials say it can be difficult. Maybe I should ask my younger sister. The sister, a year younger than me, that I didn't so much enjoy at my heels growing up. The one I often told, she was adopted, even though she wasn't. After all, there were no pictures of her until she turned two.

How to Handle Birthday Bullies? Or My Child’s Frenemies.

Unfortunately, I know my son is bullied at school. I also know much of the time he probably doesn’t even know he is being bullied or made fun of by his “friends.” He has Asperger’s and ADHD. Understanding social cues and subtle facial gestures is difficult for my sixth grade boy.
I know fully that my son is often inappropriate with the words and actions he uses. However, my son is never mean spirited. He may be callous, cold, and unthinking. He may be insensitive and unresponsive to someone else’s pain, but he never tries to purposely cause it.
Through conversations with my other son, who is neurotypical and a year behind his brother in school, I am informed of the hostile acts and words said to my older son at recess or in the lunch room. Amazingly, my older son believes these other children in his grade are his friends. Ironically, the school staff also believes these other children are my son’s friends.
Well, I don’t. I know some of the children in my son’s grade are bullies. Their acts are planned out, cruel, and intended to be mean. I have seen my son’s face when he knows the Number One bully will be at an event he is going to attend. His face shows extreme fear even as he says hello to the other boy. He thinks they are still his friends. It has become apparent to me they are actually frenemies. By acting as friends, they can further target their acts.
Today, the bullies left the school yard and came to our home. Today was also my son’s 12th birthday. His “friends” decided to put shaving cream in our mailbox, on our cars, pumpkin decorations, and on the driveway. They had made an X, but after some internet research, I think they might have been trying to make a much darker symbol. Because we live in a small town, my husband managed to track the boys down quickly, report their “mischief” to their parents, and have the boys clean up the mess. Mostly.
The two offenders couldn’t erase the mess they had made of my son’s birth day. They couldn’t clean up my younger son’s dismay when he found out who did it and why he thinks they did it. The boys also were not able to get rid of the disgust I feel when I see them on the street skateboarding away.
I wonder if I should follow up. Do I call or email to let their parents know how glad I am the boys did make an effort to make reparations for their actions? Do I also call to say; by the way, what your boys did is vandalism? They could pay a fine up to $250,000 or spend three years in prison. Of course, they would not at this age, too many people are looking the other way when children misbehave, including my son, and often the bullies’ parents.

24/7

Our eldest boy is almost twelve. At age eleven, I was babysitting most weekend nights for other families with small children. Parenting a child on the spectrum, I am finding you cannot leave them alone or unsupervised for even thirty minutes. In the past month, our child has made horrible decisions about how to handle any time left unsupervised.